MT and I

He sits at the edge of my bed just as I stir from my good night's rest and I can tell that he's there. I don't have to open my eyes to know that he has his eye on me.

"Go away," I mutter almost inaudibly. 

He chuckles. "You say that as if you can get anymore sleep now that I'm here". 

"Urghhhhh!!!" I pull the covers over my head and curl into a ball hoping to avoid him. It was hopeless. "You're so annoyingly persistent, you know that?!" I burst with a groggy morning voice. "What do you want, MT?" 

"WOAH! Good morning to you too, Miss Sunshine!" 

I gave him what was supposed to be the most threatening stare he will see in his life to make him flee for dear life. Unsurprisingly though, he was not threatened by the worst actress in the world with hair that would make the Amazon forests look neat. Sigh, what tragedy. "Come on, mz. Let's talk". 

I knew he wouldn't leave until I caved in. Sigh. "Fine," I think. Reluctantly, I emerged from my duvet and perched my glasses  on my head. He waits for me to get ready. "Go", I give him the green light and look at him expectantly.

Normally, he would begin by going on and on about how much I needed to do for the day or remind me what the last thing we spoke about last night before I dozed off midway through our conversations or nag me for falling asleep without turning the lights off. But this time he is awfully quiet and boy, this pisses me off. 

"MT! Seriously?! I thought you said you wanted to talk and please forgive me for not finding it funny that you would RUDELY wake me up when I'm blissfully asleep and here you are sitting there so condescendingly and....  ".

"I didn't say I that I wanted to talk. I said, "Let's talk"." he interrupts me calmly and looks up at me. "I want to hear you speak too". 

Wow. That's a first.  

"S-s-speak? Me?" I could hardly believe my ears. 

He nodded. 

I become curious. "What do you want me to talk about? It's you who normally does the talking, no?" 

"Why of course and can I say that sometimes it's quite fun to bark orders at you." I resist the urge of punching him. "But surely you have something to say too." 

"I've nothing to say". 

"Rubbish. Look around you. What do you see?" 

I took quick glances around my room. "Boxes. Lots of boxes. And my luggages."

"Comment on that". 

I sighed and wrapped myself with the duvet. Just as I was about to speak, my stomach growls. "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY HUNGRY??" he laughs. "Didn't you eat soooooooo much chicken with your flatmates yesterday for dinner?!"

I laughed along. "Alright, alright. Very funny, MT. Go to the kitchen. I'll wash up and we'll eat breakfast there. We'll talk, alright." 

"I'll be waiting for you," he agreed. 

Minutes later, I was pouring skimmed milk into my Cheerios and putting chunks of strawberries into the bowl. 

"So...?" he waited. 

"So what?"

"Man, mz. You would think that you had a memory of a goldfish! What do you feel about your boxes and luggages?!" 

What I felt. MT never asks me what I think because he always knows what I think. Sometimes I think he knows what I feel too but he just wants me to put it into words for him because sometimes he's not sure himself and he's detached that way. 

"Well...." I begin hesitantly as I chew my cereal. "I feel sad". 

"Sad? What? Why? They're just boxes for crying out loud and luggages! Storage stuff! And..."

"Hey! What happened to letting me talk?"

"Sorry," MT apologised. 

"I feel sad," I tried again. "And yes, I know they're just boxes and luggages to you but to me, it means packing away not just my stuff," I tried to make him understand. "Packing away means that I'm moving, moving means I'm saying goodbye. MT, I'm saying goodbye to so many more things than just my room, which saddens me enough." 

"Mm-hmm," MT urged me to continue. 

"I don't like goodbyes, MT. You know that. You know how hard it was for me to leave home to come here, even and honestly, this is not that much different. I don't like how people can no longer be a part of our lives just like that". 

"But surely that can't be helped. I mean you can't expect everyone to stick around forever, right?"

"I know, I know," I begin playing with my cereal. "It's just that, oh I don't know, I just wish that life wouldn't pass us by so quickly. I wish people that came into our lives stayed in our lives. I wish nothing would change."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Silence.

And then a terribly loud guffaw. A disgustingly loud guffaw. For a good 5 minutes. I waited for him to be done as I ate my cereal. I needed every ounce of nutrition from my strawberries if I'm going to prepare myself for a verbal combat with MT. 

Finally, he quietened down a little and wiped the tears off his face after what seemed like the outcome of telling the joke of the century. 

"mz, you must lead such a boring life". 

I chow down my strawberries faster.

"Now don't be mad," he chuckled. "It's just that a life where nothing would change would be stagnant". 

"Stable, " I corrected him.

"...but stagnant," he insists. 

We both allow ourselves to be quiet for a moment and to let me digest this revelation. 

"You don't want that, do you?" he asks. 

"I guess not." 

"You see, mz. Life...."

"...is like a box of chocolate?"

"Lucky guess," he narrows his eyes. 

I still shrug triumphantly. 

"But right you are," he continues. "You never know what you're going to get. And can I tell you something? Even if you don't ever move out of your room that you're now so fond of, life will keep progressing. Changing. Even if you don't move, people will come and go." 

We stay silent for a moment. I think of a tag that hangs on my orange board. I put it there with the intention to remember something that became one of those things that I will never forget in 2010. A friend of mine passed away that year and in a few days time, it will be the anniversary of the accident. I remember how much grief I was in. I also recall the other people that have left my life in other ways as well and how it was never easy.

"And even if the people around you don't leave, they will change. And even if they don't change..," he progressed gently. "..you will." 

I knew he had a point.

"I didn't say that things won't change," I replied defensively. "I just, ya know, wish that it didn't have to". 

"I'm coming to that. But before that, would you like to fill up on your cereal?"

I nodded. This talk was going to last longer than I expected it to. Once I was done, he continued. 

"You see, mz. Life is so much more than being stable. It's so much more than being safe. It's an adventure and instead of seeing change as your enemy, why not see it as your friend? If you don't ever have these changes in your life that kicks you out of your comfort zone, your life will be stagnant and frankly, boring. And you'll never learn anything and you'll never go anywhere. You'll just be in your happy little bubble and maybe that's ideal for you but really, that bubble is in fact a prison in disguise if things never change in your life and you never move out from one phase in life to another." 

I nodded contemplatively.

"What do you feel now?" MT asks. There he goes again. What do I feel. 

"I feel like maybe there's some truth to that. But apart from that, I'm scared, MT. Terrified of the future. I don't know what it holds. I sometimes wake up wanting different things. Just this morning I'm thinking about the call I received yesterday and it made me think twice and...oh I just don't know! I don't know, MT! I just don't know what I want, what I should do nor what I will do! Just thinking one year ahead is big enough of a headache, what more the future beyond that?" 

I cupped my chin. "And you do know that my results will be published next Monday right?" 

"HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Of course I do! It's what you think about every day!" 

Sigh. 

"But you know what, mz?" 

"What?" 

"It's never the end of the world. You've pulled through this sort of 'end of the world' situations and somehow you'll pull through again." 

"Mmm..." I said uncertainly. 

"Enough chatter," MT says. "You have much to do for the day. Boxes to collect, things to pack, lecturers to meet, friends to catch up with and letters to write. Come on, wash up your bowl". 

"Okay," I say. 

My Thoughts didn't provide a good great answers or great wisdom because they are, after all, just MY thoughts, but I guess just going through things in my head and actually typing them out helps quite a bit. :) 

7:37AM

15/6/12

The distraction

Hey world!

It's been eons since I wrote anything here, but anyway. Here I am now!

Sooooo yeah.

If you must know I am now pursuing my 3rd year of my law degree in the abroad and it's been alright so far. I'm in the library and have a class in half an hour and am supposed to do something else at the moment, but this can't wait. Soo.... maybe it can, but I'm bursting to type this out.

I just returned from my Employment Law lecture that I normally would be able to pay full attention to, but today I was slightly very distracted. Not just by the fact that I was already 5 minutes late and spent a considerable amount of time catching my breath (prove of my incredible athleticism) , but also by a guy sitting in front of me.

Oh yes. This post is about a guy.

There he was right in front of me. All it took was one look and instantly, thoughts started whirling in my head. He had a look of maturity and wore glasses. He had on him a white knitted sweater and he was so engrossed and focused on the lecture. There was something about that intensity that was just so appealing.

You see, this guy is.........old. He had white hair and when I say glasses, I don't mean glasses that you would get from brands like Guess or Georgio Armani. It looked like he had them on for years. His face showed that he had a considerable number of years to his life and my guess is that he's even older than the lecturer herself.

I know it is common place to have matured students in universities, but truth to be told, I have never had one as a classmate, or maybe I just didn't notice them, until today where it was so clear to me that in my midst was someone that was old enough to be my father. While trying to learn about the different indicators of what makes a person an employee, I couldn't help but be distracted by thoughts of what would make someone of that age come to university to learn? I knew the textbook answers, but most matured students that I know of aren't as usually as old as him. Why? Why was he here? Was he an employer? Maybe a CEO of a company? I just didn't know and was so darn curious! Why was he lapping up every single word the lecturer was saying? It seemed like he was going to read every single case she sighted! I don't know why he was there, but what I know for sure that he saw value in an education, even at that age.

What awed me, and this might be pretty silly of me, was the fact that he was still so willing to learn at that age. Willing to learn from someone considerably younger then himself. He was writing so engrossedly and I thought it was just so fascinating. Fascinating enough for me to peel my attention away from the lecturer every now and then. I saw such hunger in him to learn, to soak it all in to its every last drop. To him, it was a privilege to learn and he didn't want to miss that. To him, he saw a good enough reason for being in a class where every single person was MUCH younger than him.

Maybe I'm just a silly little girl making a big deal out of such a typical sight, but to me, I saw, right there, in everything that I saw that pictured him and in what he was doing, such....character, in a sense. I saw such an appreciation for the lecture that I was missing out on by being distracted by him. It made me feel more blessed to be able to have the opportunity to learn and to have an education. He also taught me the beauty of being humble and say, "I don't know. Teach me".

This is what I call a thirst for knowledge and a humility to learn, and I sure hope to be more thirsty and humble from now on.

I think I'm already late for class. Goodbye!

11:47AM
20/10/11

Freedom, thou art sweet!

Her eyes flew open in the morning and already a cheeky grin was carved on her face. Her cheeks were aching. She wouldn't be surprised if she had been smiling in her sleep the entire night already.

Throwing the blankets aside, she couldn't get herself to run fast enough to get the awesome NON-LAW (!!!) book that she borrowed from the library and she devoured it like a lost man in an oasis in an unforgiving desert.

After 10 minutes, she lost interest in the book but that didn't dampen her spirits as she gaily pranced to the imaginative background music down the stairs celebrating everything good in life. She exchanged happy banters with her mother for a few seconds and played a CD that she has not heard in a long time because her studies would have scolded her for being distracted by awesome music.

All thoughts of judicial review, resulting trust, adverse possession and treaties have zero place in her mind and her thoughts have been held captive with the sweetness of freedom.

Her heart grew wings and are its soaring with the birds in the sky and joy, savouring the new-found freedom. The value of gold would be pale in comparison to this emotion.

She knows that her joy will be short-lived and such surge of happiness will die down with time with the possibility of her coughresitingforexamohpleasenocough and that this joy would eventually sink down to boredom.

But for now, the lack of need to force herself to swallow heavy law and shove information in her already tired brain as she has been trying to do for the past 2 months is absolutely liberating.

And boy, the feeling is ....glorious.

7:16AM
25/5/11

In finding the missing item.

We've all been there.

It's that sinking feeling that that makes you nervous. You can't sit still. You can't think straight.

I'm talking about the not being able to find something you really need feeling. It could be that pendrive with the assignment inside and you don't have another copy of it. It could be your mom's necklace that you 'borrowed' one day. Or it could be your sister's hand phone charger. Whatever it is, it's important. And you need it urgently. And YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND IT. This happened to me about half an hour ago. And when it happens, I find myself to be in this same cycle of steps.

1) THINK and SEARCH

What would you do? You would try to think logically of where on EARTH that object would be. You rummage your bags, your brains, your mom's bags, your neighbours luggage because you absolutely need it urgently. You call the Royal Air Force to help you get a bird's eye view. You hire a Private investigator. You page for Superman, Batman and Edward Cullen. You need all the help you can get. You search EVERYWHERE! If you're looking for a pendrive, you'll probably look under your classmate's aquarium, in the kitchen sink, in your sister's mouth...EVERYWHERE! No place is too ridiculous, no place is too far, no place your hands won't search nor feet won't go. Desperation, I tell you. You search and you search but with each passing second you are more convinced that the object in mind will never be seen again.

Then your imagination goes wild.

2) Paranoia kicks in

"Why can' I find my pencil box? Did I leave it behind? Gasp! I must have left it behind in the ____!!!! Argh!! Then someone must have threw it away because they thought it was garbage! Oh no! People are thinking that my pencil box is that ugly! I have bad taste! Sob sob sob! Or maybe someone stole it! But why would they do that? Do people hate me?! Oh noes! What did I do?!?!! Maybe I should write an apology letter to everyone! How how how!!!"

And suddenly your fear turns into whether people really hate you that much to the extent they will steal your notes.

Yes, the object I lost this morning was my notes. Constructive trust notes. And I have Equity and Trust Law tutorial today. It's no big, just a few pages, but trust me, it didn't feel like just a few pages to me in that frenzy.


3) Self-comforting

Trying to be matured about the situation, you would tell yourself that this is not the worst that can happen. That you should be grateful that you have a roof on top of your head, 4 limbs and bottles of Luo Han Guo in the kitchen still. And you decide that it's okay, you'll print the notes again, go through the hassle of understanding the subject content again...but it's okay. Because there's nothing you can do and you should be matured about it and not run around the house in panic.

But all the while, you feel so lost without the missing item. And as if it was a friend that moved to the other side of the earth, you reminisce the times you spent together and regret taking that object for granted. Suddenly, it seems so real, so meaningful, so wonderful and important in your life and you have to think of a game plan of how you're going to live the rest of your life without it. Suddenly, it seems like a real person. Well, for me anyway. HAHA. Shhh...Our little secret. ;)


4) The pot of gold

This, I tell you, is the most epic moment ever. For so many of my missing items, I would go through steps 1-3.   And I never would expect that step 4 would come. In my frenzy of looking for it, I would suddenly see it. Could it be? It can't be. Or could it? Cheh, like drama. I would actually FIND it. Sometimes in the most unexpected places. The background music swells along with the tears in my eyes. My eyes would glow, my heart would race and a smile just naturally forms on my mouth.

Yes.

Finding my notes today in between the page of my module handout was such a joy.

I literally let out a small/large scream because of the relief and happiness after all that suppressed emotion and if there were any around, people will think I'm crazy. :(

But come on! What incomparable joy!

It's a surprise I didn't wake the neighbours up. Oh, such euphoria. And then when you think back of the turmoil you went through the past half an hour, you would feel like you have been on an adventure, an experience, a journey, and have been through an event that you will pass on from one generation to another. And you'll tell your grandkids how grandma went on this escapade alone at 4 in the morning but made it alive to tell the story with no evidence of her bravery save the battle scars emotionally. And you wave and accept a bouquet of roses from a non-existant crowd that applauds your inspiring story. And you start wondering what you'll do with the money you'll get when your biography sells better than Twilight books. And you slap yourself and tell yourself that you have to prepare for an Equity and Trust tutorial.

Reaching that final satisfying end of sweet success is just....indescribable.

Sigh,

The end.

Muax muax muax. I love my constructive trust notes. *hugs* =)

5:11AM
2/3/11

I'm telling you

Luo Han Guo 

Is absolutely the BESTEST beverage in the whole wide world.

I drink it...and I'll end up smiling like a mad fool.

Suddenly I'm so insanely happy.

Happeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

And my Luo Han Guos that I'm drowning myself in now is sugar-free! So it's definitely not the sugar that's getting me high. :D:D:D

Oh, and today I bought a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner partially because I fell head over heels with the description at the back of the bottle. The back of the conditioner bottle reads:


I'm deliciously moisturizing. Drink up and replenish your hair's much needed moisture. It's time t be reunited with silky, smooth hair!

If you didn't feel like laughing a little go and tickle yourself.

Reunited with silky, smooth hair!!! Deliciously moisturizing!! 

MAN! How can ANYONE resist such language?!?!?!?!??!!?!

Sigh, I sound so bim. And so bo. Getddit? BIMBO!!

Okay, I just proved a point.

Loooong week ahead. But for what it's worth, I am incredibly relieved that I survived February.

56 more days to finals.

HOHOHO MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Ladidah. Got IL tutorial and I need to get cracking.

But first, I need to be reunited with silky, smooth hair. Deliciously moisturizing. Drink up, hair. ;D

PS: It's the Luo Han Guo's fault I'm this high!

9:45PM
27/2/11

The not so purpose driven life?

You know how people say...

"I just woke up one morning and decided to go bungee jumping".
"Did you just wake up one morning and decided to go to law school?"
"And when I woke up one morning, I realised that I actually loved my pet dog".

It's...kinda like an eureka sort of moment, where after all that rest, you realise something. Like a friend would say, "It's an AHA! moment".

I had my eureka morning this morning.

I woke up this morning, after ignoring my alarm clock for 15 minutes and realised.... that I wasn't sure what I loved anymore.

In SAM, there was only one course for me: law. And the thought of going to law school just thrilled me so much. But time went on and before I knew it I'm more than half way through my degree. Aaaand... I grew tired. While I do find reading law enjoyable because it IS pretty interesting, for far too long, I've been going through the motions. I had forgotten how badly I wanted this. There was no passion, no love. It was as if I took it for granted. Oh wait. Maybe I have. I had forgotten how fortunate I am to be studying the course of my choice at the university of my choice. I had forgotten that my studies isn't just for my grades.

And that's just one of the things that I felt I had lost my passion for. There was hardly any heart or enthusiasm left.

Yesterday was the Orientation Party for the February 2011 Intake students organised by the Student Council, our last event before we step down. Almost throughout the event, I was at the side of the stage watching the performances. I have worked with most of the performers before and every time I see them at their respective crafts, I salute them in my heart.

Whenever I talk to them, I will find out a little about how much effort they put into the things that they do, whether it is beatboxing, putting on a magic show or playing the harmonica. And boy, these guys have passion. Even though they are good, they always saw the need to keep improving themselves. They work hard to get to where they are. They seize opportunities that come their way to do what they love. They make do with their situation and never made difficult circumstances excuses for not doing their best. They are very humble people. They had a purpose. They had passion. They know where they're going. On stage, you only see what they do for several minutes, but we will have no idea the kind of time, effort, commitment and sacrifice these people must have put in to get to where they are.

And as I was leaning against the wall watching them give their best on stage, I thought, "What am I passionate about?" And it was followed by an eerie, disappointing silence. I guess the reason for the silence was not that I had nothing to be passionate about, I do. But for so many things that I love to do, I grew discouraged as months/years went on and I just...gave up. And whatever passion I had grew dim. Flames had been put out. Ambitions shrunk. Hope to reach somewhere with those things shriveled. I refused opportunities.

But did I have passion before? Oh you bet.

When I woke up this morning, my question changed to why am I not passionate about the things I AM doing now as I should? Had I forgotten my purpose? I had to nod silently. When I think of certain hopes or certain things that I once loved so much and would find so much joy in doing them before I grew 'tired', I feel a sense of fondness. Like...it's an old friend. I miss having that kind of passion.

When I think of the things that I am doing, everything does seem fine and well and as if I'm involved with all these things with so much enthusiasm. I guess I'm doing the 'right' things but as time went on, I unknowingly lost the purpose of doing them and the passion along the way.

And when I think back of all that lost time and opportunities, I can only now ask in horror and guilt:

What have I done?

The theme of the CF this year is 'Get Real'. Well, I guess it's time that I got real with this. There must be more to life than this.

I don't want to be on my deathbed and only to realise that I had wasted my life doing things for the sake of it, without any heart, enthusiasm or passion.

Time to change that. I want to live a purpose driven life. Like I said, there has GOT to be more to life than this.

And I know the perfect place to start: On my knees.

8:30AM
25/2/11

Looking back

As I sometimes look back at the opportunities and blessings that I have and had in uni since last year, I am amazed.

I would trace it to the things before that, how things worked out in college, and how before college, there was secondary school and before that primary school. And how that BM story-telling competition in Std 2 was quite a turning point for me, and how it was my sister that made me want to do something like that, who was my driving force when I was 8 years old.

I was never the best in anything, and sometimes I'm tempted to be discontented. But when I look at how there were just times when I know from the depths of my heart that it could have only been God that paved the way for me in so many things, even in things that I didn't understand at that time, I am blown away. Sometimes small things led to something that I couldn't possibly imagine for myself. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, it was, looking at the circumstances that I was in.

Ever been in a place where you feel you just can't do something, but absolutely HAVE to? Like taking that piano exam even when you're completely unprepared for it? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm being tossed at the deep end of the pool, expected to swim to safety when I've never learned how to float. And when I look at the task before me, I'm like...HAHAHA YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT. But I can't run away because...I just can't lah, okay. And it's not because of all that junk food I eat. But in times like that when I commit it to God because I just know I can't do it with my own strength, I am amazed at His goodness. And the results are BEYOND of what I could ever expect. Mind you, the results may not come in the form I expect, sometimes I get disappointed, but only to find that the ultimate outcome of it all is even more awesome.

And the thing is, at times when I try to do things with my own strength, sometimes it just turns out more awful than I expected. Or maybe it turns out okay, but I burn out in the process. Or...I still feel very discontented. But when God is my fuel, I find that I can run that second mile. I can do synchronised swimming while I juggle 10 balls at the deep end of the pool. 

Sometimes, I would be disappointed at how things go, but when I look back at certain disappointments, I am glad that they happened, because that so called 'bad thing' turned out to be a blessing for something better. Sometimes they don't and the heartache becomes so unbearable all I want to do is lock myself in my room and eat ice-cream while watching Winnie the Pooh(!!!) all day, but I learn something in the process and become a better person after all that struggle.

Coincidence, you say? Maybe. Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem and behold, I actually have it in me to do something. Maybe it's just psychology. Maybe. But only I have been in my shoes and I know that I mean it when I say that some things can only be God.

I still struggle with stuff and fluff and am wrestling with something even right now. And it's at times like these I'm thankful for people who somehow believed in me and encouraged me since I was young. I'm thankful for friends that call me and talk to me for 2 hours at night to give me a slap when I need it. I'm thankful for people that tell me to chase my dreams even when I want to slap them and tell them I want to slap them.

And even as I'm in the midst of this struggle, I'm blogging about this to remind myself that God has never forsaken me, and that He never will, because I forget this all too often. I also want to remember that this God that painted the skies is bigger than my circumstances. He was, He is and He always will be.


And I am utterly humbled.

5:29AM
21/2/11