Looking back

As I sometimes look back at the opportunities and blessings that I have and had in uni since last year, I am amazed.

I would trace it to the things before that, how things worked out in college, and how before college, there was secondary school and before that primary school. And how that BM story-telling competition in Std 2 was quite a turning point for me, and how it was my sister that made me want to do something like that, who was my driving force when I was 8 years old.

I was never the best in anything, and sometimes I'm tempted to be discontented. But when I look at how there were just times when I know from the depths of my heart that it could have only been God that paved the way for me in so many things, even in things that I didn't understand at that time, I am blown away. Sometimes small things led to something that I couldn't possibly imagine for myself. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, it was, looking at the circumstances that I was in.

Ever been in a place where you feel you just can't do something, but absolutely HAVE to? Like taking that piano exam even when you're completely unprepared for it? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm being tossed at the deep end of the pool, expected to swim to safety when I've never learned how to float. And when I look at the task before me, I'm like...HAHAHA YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT. But I can't run away because...I just can't lah, okay. And it's not because of all that junk food I eat. But in times like that when I commit it to God because I just know I can't do it with my own strength, I am amazed at His goodness. And the results are BEYOND of what I could ever expect. Mind you, the results may not come in the form I expect, sometimes I get disappointed, but only to find that the ultimate outcome of it all is even more awesome.

And the thing is, at times when I try to do things with my own strength, sometimes it just turns out more awful than I expected. Or maybe it turns out okay, but I burn out in the process. Or...I still feel very discontented. But when God is my fuel, I find that I can run that second mile. I can do synchronised swimming while I juggle 10 balls at the deep end of the pool. 

Sometimes, I would be disappointed at how things go, but when I look back at certain disappointments, I am glad that they happened, because that so called 'bad thing' turned out to be a blessing for something better. Sometimes they don't and the heartache becomes so unbearable all I want to do is lock myself in my room and eat ice-cream while watching Winnie the Pooh(!!!) all day, but I learn something in the process and become a better person after all that struggle.

Coincidence, you say? Maybe. Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem and behold, I actually have it in me to do something. Maybe it's just psychology. Maybe. But only I have been in my shoes and I know that I mean it when I say that some things can only be God.

I still struggle with stuff and fluff and am wrestling with something even right now. And it's at times like these I'm thankful for people who somehow believed in me and encouraged me since I was young. I'm thankful for friends that call me and talk to me for 2 hours at night to give me a slap when I need it. I'm thankful for people that tell me to chase my dreams even when I want to slap them and tell them I want to slap them.

And even as I'm in the midst of this struggle, I'm blogging about this to remind myself that God has never forsaken me, and that He never will, because I forget this all too often. I also want to remember that this God that painted the skies is bigger than my circumstances. He was, He is and He always will be.


And I am utterly humbled.

5:29AM
21/2/11

Resonation

What a world we're living in. What a world!

A world filled with variety, walking paradoxes, insanity and joy. And this very same world, is one that, not always, but often enough scavenges for love everywhere, anywhere with anyone, hoping to find it. (And I'm not just talking about boy-girl relationships.) And what do we sometimes find?

We find that to be loved, we need to have it all together, be that student that scores all the time, be the man that doesn't cry, for a daughter, be the son her family longed for, to be happy all the time, to never stand up for yourself, to never wear our hearts on our sleeves, to conform just because, to be rich enough, to put on cakes of makeup, to never admit our faults...and the list goes on.

But sometimes, the more we search, the less we find love.

And sometimes, it drives us to think that it. Doesn't. Exist. Because our mission is futile. And we start talking about being single forever. Or that only our pet dog loves us.

And we can only conclude that true love only happens for some people, but not for the less than perfect kid. Not for the person with the nasty attitude. Not for the girl that can't lose weight.

And even if we do get acceptance and love for that kind of stuff, we are never satisfied. Why?

Because that kind of love is conditional. Only if you fulfill the terms and conditions, will you be loved. It's kinda like a contract law. Hahahaha!

What's so funny? It's true! Is it not?

Ain't smart enough? Get out of here.
You're only average looking? Out you go.
You tell super lame jokes that no one laughs at? Errr....
You didn't bathe for 2 weeks? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! :O

And what's wrong with conditional love? Well, nothing. It's just that I don't think we'll find that it's enough. Ultimately, what we really want is to be loved for who we are. But finding that kind of full acceptance is hard.

And because of that, it's possible that we can't even find it in ourselves to look in the mirror and love the person staring back at you.

Even if we did live the perfect life, it's possible (not saying it is) that we are loved for only the things at the surface. There's no depth, no substance. Just superficiality.

Starved, we are, for love. Impoverished of acceptance. In a world of prosperity and us living in a country with not much wants, it's a stark contrast to the poverty we are in when it comes to this bare necessity - love. And I'm talking about true love. Of course, there is to some extent love from genuine people like friends and family members, but some people never get that kind of love, even. And maybe you'll find that even that is not enough.

And yet, there is hope. It's my favourite word these days.

If only we listened hard enough. Let our walls come down. Allow pre-conceived ideas to take a step back and truly stay still and silent, we just might hear a voice, so soft, so still, and yet, so real, telling us, "I was there all along to love you, for you. I WAS ALWAYS THERE!!!".

And when you are enveloped with that unconditional, selfless love, suddenly, you will find that for once, you are no longer starved, but filled. Not just to the brim, but you can't help but overflow that love to other people because you were loved first. That, to me, is one of the essence of loved - being so loved that you can't help but love others too.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He’s the kid with the story no one would believe

He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please

Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She’s the woman whose husband has run away

She’ll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner

Then he would’ve stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone

He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul

“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied

I have watched you suffer all of your life

And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love

The love that you never knew

4:09AM

17/2/11

Just because

And because He lives, 

I can face tomorrow. 

(ie. the day that marks the beginning of 3+ months of work and stress, of work and stress AND of work and stress)

Because He lives, 

All fear is gone. 

(of piles of assignments and tutorials and approaching finals and other commitments)

And because I know, 

I know He holds the future. 

(even when I'm insanely fearful of it)

And life is worth the living just because He lives. 

Amen.

*looks at jellybean jar*

4:19PM

6/2/11