Freedom, thou art sweet!

Her eyes flew open in the morning and already a cheeky grin was carved on her face. Her cheeks were aching. She wouldn't be surprised if she had been smiling in her sleep the entire night already.

Throwing the blankets aside, she couldn't get herself to run fast enough to get the awesome NON-LAW (!!!) book that she borrowed from the library and she devoured it like a lost man in an oasis in an unforgiving desert.

After 10 minutes, she lost interest in the book but that didn't dampen her spirits as she gaily pranced to the imaginative background music down the stairs celebrating everything good in life. She exchanged happy banters with her mother for a few seconds and played a CD that she has not heard in a long time because her studies would have scolded her for being distracted by awesome music.

All thoughts of judicial review, resulting trust, adverse possession and treaties have zero place in her mind and her thoughts have been held captive with the sweetness of freedom.

Her heart grew wings and are its soaring with the birds in the sky and joy, savouring the new-found freedom. The value of gold would be pale in comparison to this emotion.

She knows that her joy will be short-lived and such surge of happiness will die down with time with the possibility of her coughresitingforexamohpleasenocough and that this joy would eventually sink down to boredom.

But for now, the lack of need to force herself to swallow heavy law and shove information in her already tired brain as she has been trying to do for the past 2 months is absolutely liberating.

And boy, the feeling is ....glorious.

7:16AM
25/5/11

In finding the missing item.

We've all been there.

It's that sinking feeling that that makes you nervous. You can't sit still. You can't think straight.

I'm talking about the not being able to find something you really need feeling. It could be that pendrive with the assignment inside and you don't have another copy of it. It could be your mom's necklace that you 'borrowed' one day. Or it could be your sister's hand phone charger. Whatever it is, it's important. And you need it urgently. And YOU CAN'T SEEM TO FIND IT. This happened to me about half an hour ago. And when it happens, I find myself to be in this same cycle of steps.

1) THINK and SEARCH

What would you do? You would try to think logically of where on EARTH that object would be. You rummage your bags, your brains, your mom's bags, your neighbours luggage because you absolutely need it urgently. You call the Royal Air Force to help you get a bird's eye view. You hire a Private investigator. You page for Superman, Batman and Edward Cullen. You need all the help you can get. You search EVERYWHERE! If you're looking for a pendrive, you'll probably look under your classmate's aquarium, in the kitchen sink, in your sister's mouth...EVERYWHERE! No place is too ridiculous, no place is too far, no place your hands won't search nor feet won't go. Desperation, I tell you. You search and you search but with each passing second you are more convinced that the object in mind will never be seen again.

Then your imagination goes wild.

2) Paranoia kicks in

"Why can' I find my pencil box? Did I leave it behind? Gasp! I must have left it behind in the ____!!!! Argh!! Then someone must have threw it away because they thought it was garbage! Oh no! People are thinking that my pencil box is that ugly! I have bad taste! Sob sob sob! Or maybe someone stole it! But why would they do that? Do people hate me?! Oh noes! What did I do?!?!! Maybe I should write an apology letter to everyone! How how how!!!"

And suddenly your fear turns into whether people really hate you that much to the extent they will steal your notes.

Yes, the object I lost this morning was my notes. Constructive trust notes. And I have Equity and Trust Law tutorial today. It's no big, just a few pages, but trust me, it didn't feel like just a few pages to me in that frenzy.


3) Self-comforting

Trying to be matured about the situation, you would tell yourself that this is not the worst that can happen. That you should be grateful that you have a roof on top of your head, 4 limbs and bottles of Luo Han Guo in the kitchen still. And you decide that it's okay, you'll print the notes again, go through the hassle of understanding the subject content again...but it's okay. Because there's nothing you can do and you should be matured about it and not run around the house in panic.

But all the while, you feel so lost without the missing item. And as if it was a friend that moved to the other side of the earth, you reminisce the times you spent together and regret taking that object for granted. Suddenly, it seems so real, so meaningful, so wonderful and important in your life and you have to think of a game plan of how you're going to live the rest of your life without it. Suddenly, it seems like a real person. Well, for me anyway. HAHA. Shhh...Our little secret. ;)


4) The pot of gold

This, I tell you, is the most epic moment ever. For so many of my missing items, I would go through steps 1-3.   And I never would expect that step 4 would come. In my frenzy of looking for it, I would suddenly see it. Could it be? It can't be. Or could it? Cheh, like drama. I would actually FIND it. Sometimes in the most unexpected places. The background music swells along with the tears in my eyes. My eyes would glow, my heart would race and a smile just naturally forms on my mouth.

Yes.

Finding my notes today in between the page of my module handout was such a joy.

I literally let out a small/large scream because of the relief and happiness after all that suppressed emotion and if there were any around, people will think I'm crazy. :(

But come on! What incomparable joy!

It's a surprise I didn't wake the neighbours up. Oh, such euphoria. And then when you think back of the turmoil you went through the past half an hour, you would feel like you have been on an adventure, an experience, a journey, and have been through an event that you will pass on from one generation to another. And you'll tell your grandkids how grandma went on this escapade alone at 4 in the morning but made it alive to tell the story with no evidence of her bravery save the battle scars emotionally. And you wave and accept a bouquet of roses from a non-existant crowd that applauds your inspiring story. And you start wondering what you'll do with the money you'll get when your biography sells better than Twilight books. And you slap yourself and tell yourself that you have to prepare for an Equity and Trust tutorial.

Reaching that final satisfying end of sweet success is just....indescribable.

Sigh,

The end.

Muax muax muax. I love my constructive trust notes. *hugs* =)

5:11AM
2/3/11

I'm telling you

Luo Han Guo 

Is absolutely the BESTEST beverage in the whole wide world.

I drink it...and I'll end up smiling like a mad fool.

Suddenly I'm so insanely happy.

Happeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

And my Luo Han Guos that I'm drowning myself in now is sugar-free! So it's definitely not the sugar that's getting me high. :D:D:D

Oh, and today I bought a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner partially because I fell head over heels with the description at the back of the bottle. The back of the conditioner bottle reads:


I'm deliciously moisturizing. Drink up and replenish your hair's much needed moisture. It's time t be reunited with silky, smooth hair!

If you didn't feel like laughing a little go and tickle yourself.

Reunited with silky, smooth hair!!! Deliciously moisturizing!! 

MAN! How can ANYONE resist such language?!?!?!?!??!!?!

Sigh, I sound so bim. And so bo. Getddit? BIMBO!!

Okay, I just proved a point.

Loooong week ahead. But for what it's worth, I am incredibly relieved that I survived February.

56 more days to finals.

HOHOHO MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Ladidah. Got IL tutorial and I need to get cracking.

But first, I need to be reunited with silky, smooth hair. Deliciously moisturizing. Drink up, hair. ;D

PS: It's the Luo Han Guo's fault I'm this high!

9:45PM
27/2/11

The not so purpose driven life?

You know how people say...

"I just woke up one morning and decided to go bungee jumping".
"Did you just wake up one morning and decided to go to law school?"
"And when I woke up one morning, I realised that I actually loved my pet dog".

It's...kinda like an eureka sort of moment, where after all that rest, you realise something. Like a friend would say, "It's an AHA! moment".

I had my eureka morning this morning.

I woke up this morning, after ignoring my alarm clock for 15 minutes and realised.... that I wasn't sure what I loved anymore.

In SAM, there was only one course for me: law. And the thought of going to law school just thrilled me so much. But time went on and before I knew it I'm more than half way through my degree. Aaaand... I grew tired. While I do find reading law enjoyable because it IS pretty interesting, for far too long, I've been going through the motions. I had forgotten how badly I wanted this. There was no passion, no love. It was as if I took it for granted. Oh wait. Maybe I have. I had forgotten how fortunate I am to be studying the course of my choice at the university of my choice. I had forgotten that my studies isn't just for my grades.

And that's just one of the things that I felt I had lost my passion for. There was hardly any heart or enthusiasm left.

Yesterday was the Orientation Party for the February 2011 Intake students organised by the Student Council, our last event before we step down. Almost throughout the event, I was at the side of the stage watching the performances. I have worked with most of the performers before and every time I see them at their respective crafts, I salute them in my heart.

Whenever I talk to them, I will find out a little about how much effort they put into the things that they do, whether it is beatboxing, putting on a magic show or playing the harmonica. And boy, these guys have passion. Even though they are good, they always saw the need to keep improving themselves. They work hard to get to where they are. They seize opportunities that come their way to do what they love. They make do with their situation and never made difficult circumstances excuses for not doing their best. They are very humble people. They had a purpose. They had passion. They know where they're going. On stage, you only see what they do for several minutes, but we will have no idea the kind of time, effort, commitment and sacrifice these people must have put in to get to where they are.

And as I was leaning against the wall watching them give their best on stage, I thought, "What am I passionate about?" And it was followed by an eerie, disappointing silence. I guess the reason for the silence was not that I had nothing to be passionate about, I do. But for so many things that I love to do, I grew discouraged as months/years went on and I just...gave up. And whatever passion I had grew dim. Flames had been put out. Ambitions shrunk. Hope to reach somewhere with those things shriveled. I refused opportunities.

But did I have passion before? Oh you bet.

When I woke up this morning, my question changed to why am I not passionate about the things I AM doing now as I should? Had I forgotten my purpose? I had to nod silently. When I think of certain hopes or certain things that I once loved so much and would find so much joy in doing them before I grew 'tired', I feel a sense of fondness. Like...it's an old friend. I miss having that kind of passion.

When I think of the things that I am doing, everything does seem fine and well and as if I'm involved with all these things with so much enthusiasm. I guess I'm doing the 'right' things but as time went on, I unknowingly lost the purpose of doing them and the passion along the way.

And when I think back of all that lost time and opportunities, I can only now ask in horror and guilt:

What have I done?

The theme of the CF this year is 'Get Real'. Well, I guess it's time that I got real with this. There must be more to life than this.

I don't want to be on my deathbed and only to realise that I had wasted my life doing things for the sake of it, without any heart, enthusiasm or passion.

Time to change that. I want to live a purpose driven life. Like I said, there has GOT to be more to life than this.

And I know the perfect place to start: On my knees.

8:30AM
25/2/11

Looking back

As I sometimes look back at the opportunities and blessings that I have and had in uni since last year, I am amazed.

I would trace it to the things before that, how things worked out in college, and how before college, there was secondary school and before that primary school. And how that BM story-telling competition in Std 2 was quite a turning point for me, and how it was my sister that made me want to do something like that, who was my driving force when I was 8 years old.

I was never the best in anything, and sometimes I'm tempted to be discontented. But when I look at how there were just times when I know from the depths of my heart that it could have only been God that paved the way for me in so many things, even in things that I didn't understand at that time, I am blown away. Sometimes small things led to something that I couldn't possibly imagine for myself. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, it was, looking at the circumstances that I was in.

Ever been in a place where you feel you just can't do something, but absolutely HAVE to? Like taking that piano exam even when you're completely unprepared for it? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm being tossed at the deep end of the pool, expected to swim to safety when I've never learned how to float. And when I look at the task before me, I'm like...HAHAHA YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT. But I can't run away because...I just can't lah, okay. And it's not because of all that junk food I eat. But in times like that when I commit it to God because I just know I can't do it with my own strength, I am amazed at His goodness. And the results are BEYOND of what I could ever expect. Mind you, the results may not come in the form I expect, sometimes I get disappointed, but only to find that the ultimate outcome of it all is even more awesome.

And the thing is, at times when I try to do things with my own strength, sometimes it just turns out more awful than I expected. Or maybe it turns out okay, but I burn out in the process. Or...I still feel very discontented. But when God is my fuel, I find that I can run that second mile. I can do synchronised swimming while I juggle 10 balls at the deep end of the pool. 

Sometimes, I would be disappointed at how things go, but when I look back at certain disappointments, I am glad that they happened, because that so called 'bad thing' turned out to be a blessing for something better. Sometimes they don't and the heartache becomes so unbearable all I want to do is lock myself in my room and eat ice-cream while watching Winnie the Pooh(!!!) all day, but I learn something in the process and become a better person after all that struggle.

Coincidence, you say? Maybe. Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem and behold, I actually have it in me to do something. Maybe it's just psychology. Maybe. But only I have been in my shoes and I know that I mean it when I say that some things can only be God.

I still struggle with stuff and fluff and am wrestling with something even right now. And it's at times like these I'm thankful for people who somehow believed in me and encouraged me since I was young. I'm thankful for friends that call me and talk to me for 2 hours at night to give me a slap when I need it. I'm thankful for people that tell me to chase my dreams even when I want to slap them and tell them I want to slap them.

And even as I'm in the midst of this struggle, I'm blogging about this to remind myself that God has never forsaken me, and that He never will, because I forget this all too often. I also want to remember that this God that painted the skies is bigger than my circumstances. He was, He is and He always will be.


And I am utterly humbled.

5:29AM
21/2/11

Turn that frown upside down!

I love the feeling that you get when even in the harder patches of life, something so nice happens that you can't help but just smile. Like a word of encouragement. :)

It's like drinking hot Milo when the morning gets a little too chilly, like finally reaching your bed after rushing to finish your assignment or a nice, sincere hug when all you want to do is cry. =)

Truly, a little bit of love goes a long, long way. =) 

Got a nice letter to open now. Thank You, God, for today! :)

1:49PM

19/2/11

Resonation

What a world we're living in. What a world!

A world filled with variety, walking paradoxes, insanity and joy. And this very same world, is one that, not always, but often enough scavenges for love everywhere, anywhere with anyone, hoping to find it. (And I'm not just talking about boy-girl relationships.) And what do we sometimes find?

We find that to be loved, we need to have it all together, be that student that scores all the time, be the man that doesn't cry, for a daughter, be the son her family longed for, to be happy all the time, to never stand up for yourself, to never wear our hearts on our sleeves, to conform just because, to be rich enough, to put on cakes of makeup, to never admit our faults...and the list goes on.

But sometimes, the more we search, the less we find love.

And sometimes, it drives us to think that it. Doesn't. Exist. Because our mission is futile. And we start talking about being single forever. Or that only our pet dog loves us.

And we can only conclude that true love only happens for some people, but not for the less than perfect kid. Not for the person with the nasty attitude. Not for the girl that can't lose weight.

And even if we do get acceptance and love for that kind of stuff, we are never satisfied. Why?

Because that kind of love is conditional. Only if you fulfill the terms and conditions, will you be loved. It's kinda like a contract law. Hahahaha!

What's so funny? It's true! Is it not?

Ain't smart enough? Get out of here.
You're only average looking? Out you go.
You tell super lame jokes that no one laughs at? Errr....
You didn't bathe for 2 weeks? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! :O

And what's wrong with conditional love? Well, nothing. It's just that I don't think we'll find that it's enough. Ultimately, what we really want is to be loved for who we are. But finding that kind of full acceptance is hard.

And because of that, it's possible that we can't even find it in ourselves to look in the mirror and love the person staring back at you.

Even if we did live the perfect life, it's possible (not saying it is) that we are loved for only the things at the surface. There's no depth, no substance. Just superficiality.

Starved, we are, for love. Impoverished of acceptance. In a world of prosperity and us living in a country with not much wants, it's a stark contrast to the poverty we are in when it comes to this bare necessity - love. And I'm talking about true love. Of course, there is to some extent love from genuine people like friends and family members, but some people never get that kind of love, even. And maybe you'll find that even that is not enough.

And yet, there is hope. It's my favourite word these days.

If only we listened hard enough. Let our walls come down. Allow pre-conceived ideas to take a step back and truly stay still and silent, we just might hear a voice, so soft, so still, and yet, so real, telling us, "I was there all along to love you, for you. I WAS ALWAYS THERE!!!".

And when you are enveloped with that unconditional, selfless love, suddenly, you will find that for once, you are no longer starved, but filled. Not just to the brim, but you can't help but overflow that love to other people because you were loved first. That, to me, is one of the essence of loved - being so loved that you can't help but love others too.

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He’s the kid with the story no one would believe

He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please

Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She’s the woman whose husband has run away

She’ll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner

Then he would’ve stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone

He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul

“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied

I have watched you suffer all of your life

And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love

The love that you never knew

4:09AM

17/2/11