MT and I

He sits at the edge of my bed just as I stir from my good night's rest and I can tell that he's there. I don't have to open my eyes to know that he has his eye on me.

"Go away," I mutter almost inaudibly. 

He chuckles. "You say that as if you can get anymore sleep now that I'm here". 

"Urghhhhh!!!" I pull the covers over my head and curl into a ball hoping to avoid him. It was hopeless. "You're so annoyingly persistent, you know that?!" I burst with a groggy morning voice. "What do you want, MT?" 

"WOAH! Good morning to you too, Miss Sunshine!" 

I gave him what was supposed to be the most threatening stare he will see in his life to make him flee for dear life. Unsurprisingly though, he was not threatened by the worst actress in the world with hair that would make the Amazon forests look neat. Sigh, what tragedy. "Come on, mz. Let's talk". 

I knew he wouldn't leave until I caved in. Sigh. "Fine," I think. Reluctantly, I emerged from my duvet and perched my glasses  on my head. He waits for me to get ready. "Go", I give him the green light and look at him expectantly.

Normally, he would begin by going on and on about how much I needed to do for the day or remind me what the last thing we spoke about last night before I dozed off midway through our conversations or nag me for falling asleep without turning the lights off. But this time he is awfully quiet and boy, this pisses me off. 

"MT! Seriously?! I thought you said you wanted to talk and please forgive me for not finding it funny that you would RUDELY wake me up when I'm blissfully asleep and here you are sitting there so condescendingly and....  ".

"I didn't say I that I wanted to talk. I said, "Let's talk"." he interrupts me calmly and looks up at me. "I want to hear you speak too". 

Wow. That's a first.  

"S-s-speak? Me?" I could hardly believe my ears. 

He nodded. 

I become curious. "What do you want me to talk about? It's you who normally does the talking, no?" 

"Why of course and can I say that sometimes it's quite fun to bark orders at you." I resist the urge of punching him. "But surely you have something to say too." 

"I've nothing to say". 

"Rubbish. Look around you. What do you see?" 

I took quick glances around my room. "Boxes. Lots of boxes. And my luggages."

"Comment on that". 

I sighed and wrapped myself with the duvet. Just as I was about to speak, my stomach growls. "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY HUNGRY??" he laughs. "Didn't you eat soooooooo much chicken with your flatmates yesterday for dinner?!"

I laughed along. "Alright, alright. Very funny, MT. Go to the kitchen. I'll wash up and we'll eat breakfast there. We'll talk, alright." 

"I'll be waiting for you," he agreed. 

Minutes later, I was pouring skimmed milk into my Cheerios and putting chunks of strawberries into the bowl. 

"So...?" he waited. 

"So what?"

"Man, mz. You would think that you had a memory of a goldfish! What do you feel about your boxes and luggages?!" 

What I felt. MT never asks me what I think because he always knows what I think. Sometimes I think he knows what I feel too but he just wants me to put it into words for him because sometimes he's not sure himself and he's detached that way. 

"Well...." I begin hesitantly as I chew my cereal. "I feel sad". 

"Sad? What? Why? They're just boxes for crying out loud and luggages! Storage stuff! And..."

"Hey! What happened to letting me talk?"

"Sorry," MT apologised. 

"I feel sad," I tried again. "And yes, I know they're just boxes and luggages to you but to me, it means packing away not just my stuff," I tried to make him understand. "Packing away means that I'm moving, moving means I'm saying goodbye. MT, I'm saying goodbye to so many more things than just my room, which saddens me enough." 

"Mm-hmm," MT urged me to continue. 

"I don't like goodbyes, MT. You know that. You know how hard it was for me to leave home to come here, even and honestly, this is not that much different. I don't like how people can no longer be a part of our lives just like that". 

"But surely that can't be helped. I mean you can't expect everyone to stick around forever, right?"

"I know, I know," I begin playing with my cereal. "It's just that, oh I don't know, I just wish that life wouldn't pass us by so quickly. I wish people that came into our lives stayed in our lives. I wish nothing would change."

"Nothing?"

"Nothing."

Silence.

And then a terribly loud guffaw. A disgustingly loud guffaw. For a good 5 minutes. I waited for him to be done as I ate my cereal. I needed every ounce of nutrition from my strawberries if I'm going to prepare myself for a verbal combat with MT. 

Finally, he quietened down a little and wiped the tears off his face after what seemed like the outcome of telling the joke of the century. 

"mz, you must lead such a boring life". 

I chow down my strawberries faster.

"Now don't be mad," he chuckled. "It's just that a life where nothing would change would be stagnant". 

"Stable, " I corrected him.

"...but stagnant," he insists. 

We both allow ourselves to be quiet for a moment and to let me digest this revelation. 

"You don't want that, do you?" he asks. 

"I guess not." 

"You see, mz. Life...."

"...is like a box of chocolate?"

"Lucky guess," he narrows his eyes. 

I still shrug triumphantly. 

"But right you are," he continues. "You never know what you're going to get. And can I tell you something? Even if you don't ever move out of your room that you're now so fond of, life will keep progressing. Changing. Even if you don't move, people will come and go." 

We stay silent for a moment. I think of a tag that hangs on my orange board. I put it there with the intention to remember something that became one of those things that I will never forget in 2010. A friend of mine passed away that year and in a few days time, it will be the anniversary of the accident. I remember how much grief I was in. I also recall the other people that have left my life in other ways as well and how it was never easy.

"And even if the people around you don't leave, they will change. And even if they don't change..," he progressed gently. "..you will." 

I knew he had a point.

"I didn't say that things won't change," I replied defensively. "I just, ya know, wish that it didn't have to". 

"I'm coming to that. But before that, would you like to fill up on your cereal?"

I nodded. This talk was going to last longer than I expected it to. Once I was done, he continued. 

"You see, mz. Life is so much more than being stable. It's so much more than being safe. It's an adventure and instead of seeing change as your enemy, why not see it as your friend? If you don't ever have these changes in your life that kicks you out of your comfort zone, your life will be stagnant and frankly, boring. And you'll never learn anything and you'll never go anywhere. You'll just be in your happy little bubble and maybe that's ideal for you but really, that bubble is in fact a prison in disguise if things never change in your life and you never move out from one phase in life to another." 

I nodded contemplatively.

"What do you feel now?" MT asks. There he goes again. What do I feel. 

"I feel like maybe there's some truth to that. But apart from that, I'm scared, MT. Terrified of the future. I don't know what it holds. I sometimes wake up wanting different things. Just this morning I'm thinking about the call I received yesterday and it made me think twice and...oh I just don't know! I don't know, MT! I just don't know what I want, what I should do nor what I will do! Just thinking one year ahead is big enough of a headache, what more the future beyond that?" 

I cupped my chin. "And you do know that my results will be published next Monday right?" 

"HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Of course I do! It's what you think about every day!" 

Sigh. 

"But you know what, mz?" 

"What?" 

"It's never the end of the world. You've pulled through this sort of 'end of the world' situations and somehow you'll pull through again." 

"Mmm..." I said uncertainly. 

"Enough chatter," MT says. "You have much to do for the day. Boxes to collect, things to pack, lecturers to meet, friends to catch up with and letters to write. Come on, wash up your bowl". 

"Okay," I say. 

My Thoughts didn't provide a good great answers or great wisdom because they are, after all, just MY thoughts, but I guess just going through things in my head and actually typing them out helps quite a bit. :) 

7:37AM

15/6/12