Is absolutely the BESTEST beverage in the whole wide world.
I drink it...and I'll end up smiling like a mad fool.
Suddenly I'm so insanely happy.
Happeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!! :D:D:D:D:D
And my Luo Han Guos that I'm drowning myself in now is sugar-free! So it's definitely not the sugar that's getting me high. :D:D:D
Oh, and today I bought a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner partially because I fell head over heels with the description at the back of the bottle. The back of the conditioner bottle reads:
I'm deliciously moisturizing. Drink up and replenish your hair's much needed moisture. It's time t be reunited with silky, smooth hair!
If you didn't feel like laughing a little go and tickle yourself.
Reunited with silky, smooth hair!!!Deliciously moisturizing!!
MAN! How can ANYONE resist such language?!?!?!?!??!!?!
Sigh, I sound so bim. And so bo. Getddit? BIMBO!!
Okay, I just proved a point.
Loooong week ahead. But for what it's worth, I am incredibly relieved that I survived February.
56 more days to finals.
HOHOHO MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Ladidah. Got IL tutorial and I need to get cracking.
But first, I need to be reunited with silky, smooth hair. Deliciously moisturizing. Drink up, hair. ;D
"I just woke up one morning and decided to go bungee jumping".
"Did you just wake up one morning and decided to go to law school?"
"And when I woke up one morning, I realised that I actually loved my pet dog".
It's...kinda like an eureka sort of moment, where after all that rest, you realise something. Like a friend would say, "It's an AHA! moment".
I had my eureka morning this morning.
I woke up this morning, after ignoring my alarm clock for 15 minutes and realised.... that I wasn't sure what I loved anymore.
In SAM, there was only one course for me: law. And the thought of going to law school just thrilled me so much. But time went on and before I knew it I'm more than half way through my degree. Aaaand... I grew tired. While I do find reading law enjoyable because it IS pretty interesting, for far too long, I've been going through the motions. I had forgotten how badly I wanted this. There was no passion, no love. It was as if I took it for granted. Oh wait. Maybe I have. I had forgotten how fortunate I am to be studying the course of my choice at the university of my choice. I had forgotten that my studies isn't just for my grades.
And that's just one of the things that I felt I had lost my passion for. There was hardly any heart or enthusiasm left.
Yesterday was the Orientation Party for the February 2011 Intake students organised by the Student Council, our last event before we step down. Almost throughout the event, I was at the side of the stage watching the performances. I have worked with most of the performers before and every time I see them at their respective crafts, I salute them in my heart.
Whenever I talk to them, I will find out a little about how much effort they put into the things that they do, whether it is beatboxing, putting on a magic show or playing the harmonica. And boy, these guys have passion. Even though they are good, they always saw the need to keep improving themselves. They work hard to get to where they are. They seize opportunities that come their way to do what they love. They make do with their situation and never made difficult circumstances excuses for not doing their best. They are very humble people. They had a purpose. They had passion. They know where they're going. On stage, you only see what they do for several minutes, but we will have no idea the kind of time, effort, commitment and sacrifice these people must have put in to get to where they are.
And as I was leaning against the wall watching them give their best on stage, I thought, "What am I passionate about?" And it was followed by an eerie, disappointing silence. I guess the reason for the silence was not that I had nothing to be passionate about, I do. But for so many things that I love to do, I grew discouraged as months/years went on and I just...gave up. And whatever passion I had grew dim. Flames had been put out. Ambitions shrunk. Hope to reach somewhere with those things shriveled. I refused opportunities.
But did I have passion before? Oh you bet.
When I woke up this morning, my question changed to why am I not passionate about the things I AM doing now as I should? Had I forgotten my purpose? I had to nod silently. When I think of certain hopes or certain things that I once loved so much and would find so much joy in doing them before I grew 'tired', I feel a sense of fondness. Like...it's an old friend. I miss having that kind of passion.
When I think of the things that I am doing, everything does seem fine and well and as if I'm involved with all these things with so much enthusiasm. I guess I'm doing the 'right' things but as time went on, I unknowingly lost the purpose of doing them and the passion along the way.
And when I think back of all that lost time and opportunities, I can only now ask in horror and guilt:
What have I done?
The theme of the CF this year is 'Get Real'. Well, I guess it's time that I got real with this. There must be more to life than this.
I don't want to be on my deathbed and only to realise that I had wasted my life doing things for the sake of it, without any heart, enthusiasm or passion.
Time to change that. I want to live a purpose driven life. Like I said, there has GOT to be more to life than this.
And I know the perfect place to start: On my knees.
As I sometimes look back at the opportunities and blessings that I have and had in uni since last year, I am amazed.
I would trace it to the things before that, how things worked out in college, and how before college, there was secondary school and before that primary school. And how that BM story-telling competition in Std 2 was quite a turning point for me, and how it was my sister that made me want to do something like that, who was my driving force when I was 8 years old.
I was never the best in anything, and sometimes I'm tempted to be discontented. But when I look at how there were just times when I know from the depths of my heart that it could have only been God that paved the way for me in so many things, even in things that I didn't understand at that time, I am blown away. Sometimes small things led to something that I couldn't possibly imagine for myself. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, it was, looking at the circumstances that I was in.
Ever been in a place where you feel you just can't do something, but absolutely HAVE to? Like taking that piano exam even when you're completely unprepared for it? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm being tossed at the deep end of the pool, expected to swim to safety when I've never learned how to float. And when I look at the task before me, I'm like...HAHAHA YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT. But I can't run away because...I just can't lah, okay. And it's not because of all that junk food I eat. But in times like that when I commit it to God because I just know I can't do it with my own strength, I am amazed at His goodness. And the results are BEYOND of what I could ever expect. Mind you, the results may not come in the form I expect, sometimes I get disappointed, but only to find that the ultimate outcome of it all is even more awesome.
And the thing is, at times when I try to do things with my own strength, sometimes it just turns out more awful than I expected. Or maybe it turns out okay, but I burn out in the process. Or...I still feel very discontented. But when God is my fuel, I find that I can run that second mile. I can do synchronised swimming while I juggle 10 balls at the deep end of the pool.
Sometimes, I would be disappointed at how things go, but when I look back at certain disappointments, I am glad that they happened, because that so called 'bad thing' turned out to be a blessing for something better. Sometimes they don't and the heartache becomes so unbearable all I want to do is lock myself in my room and eat ice-cream while watching Winnie the Pooh(!!!) all day, but I learn something in the process and become a better person after all that struggle.
Coincidence, you say? Maybe. Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem and behold, I actually have it in me to do something. Maybe it's just psychology. Maybe. But only I have been in my shoes and I know that I mean it when I say that some things can only be God.
I still struggle with stuff and fluff and am wrestling with something even right now. And it's at times like these I'm thankful for people who somehow believed in me and encouraged me since I was young. I'm thankful for friends that call me and talk to me for 2 hours at night to give me a slap when I need it. I'm thankful for people that tell me to chase my dreams even when I want to slap them and tell them I want to slap them.
And even as I'm in the midst of this struggle, I'm blogging about this to remind myself that God has never forsaken me, and that He never will, because I forget this all too often. I also want to remember that this God that painted the skies is bigger than my circumstances. He was, He is and He always will be.
I love the feeling that you get when even in the harder patches of life, something so nice happens that you can't help but just smile. Like a word of encouragement. :)
It's like drinking hot Milo when the morning gets a little too chilly, like finally reaching your bed after rushing to finish your assignment or a nice, sincere hug when all you want to do is cry. =)
Truly, a little bit of love goes a long, long way. =)
Got a nice letter to open now. Thank You, God, for today! :)
A world filled with variety, walking paradoxes, insanity and joy. And this very same world, is one that, not always, but often enough scavenges for loveeverywhere,anywhere with anyone, hoping to find it. (And I'm not just talking about boy-girl relationships.) And what do we sometimes find?
We find that to be loved, we need to have it all together, be that student that scores all the time, be the man that doesn't cry, for a daughter, be the son her family longed for, to be happy all the time, to never stand up for yourself, to never wear our hearts on our sleeves, to conform just because, to be rich enough, to put on cakes of makeup, to never admit our faults...and the list goes on.
But sometimes, the more we search, the less we find love.
And sometimes, it drives us to think that it. Doesn't. Exist. Because our mission is futile. And we start talking about being single forever. Or that only our pet dog loves us.
And we can only conclude that true love only happens for some people, but not for the less than perfect kid. Not for the person with the nasty attitude. Not for the girl that can't lose weight.
And even if we do get acceptance and love for that kind of stuff, we are never satisfied. Why?
Because that kind of love is conditional. Only if you fulfill the terms and conditions, will you be loved. It's kinda like a contract law. Hahahaha!
What's so funny? It's true! Is it not?
Ain't smart enough? Get out of here.
You're only average looking? Out you go.
You tell super lame jokes that no one laughs at? Errr....
You didn't bathe for 2 weeks? GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! :O
And what's wrong with conditional love? Well, nothing. It's just that I don't think we'll find that it's enough. Ultimately, what we really want is to be loved for who we are. But finding that kind of full acceptance is hard.
And because of that, it's possible that we can't even find it in ourselves to look in the mirror and love the person staring back at you.
Even if we did live the perfect life, it's possible (not saying it is) that we are loved for only the things at the surface. There's no depth, no substance. Just superficiality.
Starved, we are, for love. Impoverished of acceptance. In a world of prosperity and us living in a country with not much wants, it's a stark contrast to the poverty we are in when it comes to this bare necessity - love. And I'm talking about true love. Of course, there is to some extent love from genuine people like friends and family members, but some people never get that kind of love, even. And maybe you'll find that even that is not enough.
And yet, there is hope. It's my favourite word these days.
If only we listened hard enough. Let our walls come down. Allow pre-conceived ideas to take a step back and truly stay still and silent, we just might hear a voice, so soft, so still, and yet, so real, telling us, "I was there all along to love you, for you. I WAS ALWAYS THERE!!!".
And when you are enveloped with that unconditional, selfless love, suddenly, you will find that for once, you are no longer starved, but filled.Not just to the brim, but you can't help but overflow that love to other people because you were loved first. That, to me, is one of the essence of loved - being so loved that you can't help but love others too.
He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…
Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said “I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
It's Valentine's day today. So I've been told. It has something to do with love, sweet chocolates, even sweeter words and plush teddy bears, if I've not mistaken. Out-of-tune serenation, declarations of love and squeeling will happen and cloud 9 will be pretty busy and if it's overbooked, heartbreaks may be included as well.
Ahhh...powderful day, is it not?
And it's all because of love.
Love, love, love, love, love.
Call me the most pathetic person in the world, but the only time I squealed today was when I was browsing the pretty notebooks and files at a bookstore today.
Let me introduce to you something that I learned from a story book. Or was it a comic strip? Whatever.
Fact 1: All of us are blind.
Fact 2: All of us are born with a jar with a fixed number of jellybeans.
It's a gift that we are born with! Have you said thank you yet? :)
And little do we know it, but every morning, we pop one of these jellybeans in our mouths before we start out our day with important things like go to uni, work, or log in to our Facebook accounts.
Then, we do whatever we do. We attend lectures and tutorials, we slog in front of the computer, we get caught in traffic, struggle with our own life's drama, kepoh in other people's drama, go on Facebook... the works.
Finally, at whatever hour, we retire to our beds and another day ends. And whether or not we brush our teeth the next morning, each and everyone of us will pop ONE MORE jelly bean in our mouths. And the cycle repeats.
Sounds like a fun eh? Kick-starting our days with a jellybean.
The catch is that we don't know how many jellybeans are in the jar. Sure, the jellybeans are there with a set number decided by the Person that gave us our jellybean jar, but we don't know how many we are left with at any given time. We are all blind remember?
Yes, the jellybeans refer to our days we have to live. Congratulations if you caught on. We are blind because we don't know when our days will run out. And every single morning, we WILL pop one jellybean in our mouths and our jellybean jar will have one less jellybean, signifying that we are one day closer to the day where there is no more jellybeans in our jar.
And no, our health and youth are no guarantees that there are plenty of jellybeans in our jar.
I had a friend who played tennis and was young with a future so bright I'm surprised he didn't wear shades everywhere he went. He was handsome to the point that girls really drooled over him, youthful and so full of potential. In fact he had just graduated and was on his way to intern at a place where he always wanted to.
Well, you know what?
He passed away in a car accident last year.
Him, and several of his family members, some even younger than him.
Lesson to learn from this?
1) We are REALLY blind to how many jellybeans are left in our jar. Think that these kind of things only happen to other people? Think again.
2) Other people in our lives have limited jellybeans too.
No one saw it coming. No one expected that the last time we saw him, he only had a few jellybeans left.
But this friend of mine lived such a filled life and despite not being very close with him as we have only met for a few months, he impacted me so much while he was alive and even in his passing. It is a life worth celebrating and celebrate we did through the tears at a makan place on the day he passed away. Thank you, Joash Wee. :)
As I write this, I am determined to not forget the lessons I learned after he passed away. He inspired me.
It's true that we only live once. Of course, that might be a really good excuse to give myself as I contemplate whether or not to eat that yummy looking but expensive strawberry pancake. But it's an even better reason to appreciate life itself, the little things around us and the people in our lives.
One of the things I fear before I head over to the UK to further my studies is getting news that I will never see a family member or a friend ever again. I'm afraid that I'll never get to tell a person what he/she really meant to me, or that I missed the chance to give that teacher/lecturer/adult the respect he/she deserves, or do enough to impact a person's life because I was selfish and too absorbed with my own life...the list goes on.
This jellybean concept can mean a lot of things to us. It could mean chasing that dream to be the next Prime Minister, forgiving someone, not giving up on a project, spending more time with the people that matter to you, giving back to the community, telling someone you love them, stop spending so much time on Facebook stalking that cute guy you saw in uni today, doing your best in everything that you do like your studies and for Christians, serving God with your best and maybe coming back to God, being grateful NO MATTER WHAT, making full use of your time by studying harder, focusing on things that really matter like health and not fitting into that size 2 jeans or...starting a public blog that you always wanted to do.
Colourful!! :D:D:D:D
Jellybeans are colourful. Some are happy and come in joyful colours like red and orange. And some come in emo hues like grey or even dark purple. But even on days that we are so down with lousy grades, battered self-esteem, unrequited love, the passing away of your pet dog or losing your i-Phone, that awful day was STILL a jelly bean. An emo coloured one, but a jellybean NONE. THE. LESS. And the fact that you can say that you lived ONE MORE DAY, is something to be grateful for already. And whatever colours they come in, they are sweet! So smile! :)
Easier said than done?
*inhales*
Trust me, I know. But I guess we can't deny that it's true that we have stuff and fluff to be grateful for still? :)
Truthfully, I'm not the most optimistic of people and I justify myself by saying that I'm trying to be realistic. But often I can't be sure if I have crossed the line to downright pessimism. Maybe I have. Whatever it is, while I refuse to turn a blind eye on the negatives of life in blatant ignorance, I don't want to take for granted and miss out on the good stuff either.
So, I have a 'grateful list' that I try to update as often as possible to remind myself of what I DO have and I like to do it especially when I'm down. It might say that I'm grateful for that awesome bargain at the shopping mall and sometimes it says that I'm thankful for difficulties because it shapes my character and sometimes it says I'm just grateful for life itself when I can't think of anything to be grateful for because I feel so terrible. Sometimes, I just have to force myself to do that list. Gratefulness isn't a feeling. It's an attitude that comes from deciding to be grateful. It keeps things in perspective and I remind myself of my jellybean jar and that of other people. I often overlook these things but I hope to improve.
And gratefulness doesn't stop at just saying we are grateful for this and that. It should be coupled with action. Hence, if we say we are grateful for food on our table, we shouldn't scream our heads off at our maids when it's a little bland. If we say we are thankful for our families, let's treat our parents and siblings with more love and respect. And if we tell people that we are grateful for our education, let's do our very best! And that means not doing your assignments and tutorial preparations at the last minute!!!!! And that means doing that Land Law mortgages assignment joyfully AND with commitment. I'm talking to myself, by the way.
This is whole message of seizing the day is awfully cliche, but if it's true and beneficial, let's shout on the rooftops cliche messages till the cows come home. And live it of course. :)
I think this song sums up everything. :D
It hits me every time especially the line "What would it take for the clouds to break for us to realise that each day is a gift somehow, someway?"
The days we are given are gifts from above and so today we remember to live and to love. :)
Thank You God, for today's jellybean. I may have a thousand more jellybeans or maybe this little guy will be my last one. Regardless, help me make the most out of it. I don't want to wait until it's too late.
I have been contemplating whether to have this open blog for eons now and somehow today, I had this incredible urge to do this, and so here it is! :)
*cue for thunderous applause*
It has yet to be decided if this blog will live a solitary life and wilt away quietly with this sole blog post or if I'll update it religiously, but I'll decide on that later.
Now if you'll excuse me I have a mortgages assignment that I was supposed to be done with a long time ago to do. :)
