Looking back

As I sometimes look back at the opportunities and blessings that I have and had in uni since last year, I am amazed.

I would trace it to the things before that, how things worked out in college, and how before college, there was secondary school and before that primary school. And how that BM story-telling competition in Std 2 was quite a turning point for me, and how it was my sister that made me want to do something like that, who was my driving force when I was 8 years old.

I was never the best in anything, and sometimes I'm tempted to be discontented. But when I look at how there were just times when I know from the depths of my heart that it could have only been God that paved the way for me in so many things, even in things that I didn't understand at that time, I am blown away. Sometimes small things led to something that I couldn't possibly imagine for myself. It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but to me, it was, looking at the circumstances that I was in.

Ever been in a place where you feel you just can't do something, but absolutely HAVE to? Like taking that piano exam even when you're completely unprepared for it? Yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm being tossed at the deep end of the pool, expected to swim to safety when I've never learned how to float. And when I look at the task before me, I'm like...HAHAHA YOUR KIDDING ME RIGHT. But I can't run away because...I just can't lah, okay. And it's not because of all that junk food I eat. But in times like that when I commit it to God because I just know I can't do it with my own strength, I am amazed at His goodness. And the results are BEYOND of what I could ever expect. Mind you, the results may not come in the form I expect, sometimes I get disappointed, but only to find that the ultimate outcome of it all is even more awesome.

And the thing is, at times when I try to do things with my own strength, sometimes it just turns out more awful than I expected. Or maybe it turns out okay, but I burn out in the process. Or...I still feel very discontented. But when God is my fuel, I find that I can run that second mile. I can do synchronised swimming while I juggle 10 balls at the deep end of the pool. 

Sometimes, I would be disappointed at how things go, but when I look back at certain disappointments, I am glad that they happened, because that so called 'bad thing' turned out to be a blessing for something better. Sometimes they don't and the heartache becomes so unbearable all I want to do is lock myself in my room and eat ice-cream while watching Winnie the Pooh(!!!) all day, but I learn something in the process and become a better person after all that struggle.

Coincidence, you say? Maybe. Maybe it's a case of low self-esteem and behold, I actually have it in me to do something. Maybe it's just psychology. Maybe. But only I have been in my shoes and I know that I mean it when I say that some things can only be God.

I still struggle with stuff and fluff and am wrestling with something even right now. And it's at times like these I'm thankful for people who somehow believed in me and encouraged me since I was young. I'm thankful for friends that call me and talk to me for 2 hours at night to give me a slap when I need it. I'm thankful for people that tell me to chase my dreams even when I want to slap them and tell them I want to slap them.

And even as I'm in the midst of this struggle, I'm blogging about this to remind myself that God has never forsaken me, and that He never will, because I forget this all too often. I also want to remember that this God that painted the skies is bigger than my circumstances. He was, He is and He always will be.


And I am utterly humbled.

5:29AM
21/2/11