"I just woke up one morning and decided to go bungee jumping".
"Did you just wake up one morning and decided to go to law school?"
"And when I woke up one morning, I realised that I actually loved my pet dog".
It's...kinda like an eureka sort of moment, where after all that rest, you realise something. Like a friend would say, "It's an AHA! moment".
I had my eureka morning this morning.
I woke up this morning, after ignoring my alarm clock for 15 minutes and realised.... that I wasn't sure what I loved anymore.
In SAM, there was only one course for me: law. And the thought of going to law school just thrilled me so much. But time went on and before I knew it I'm more than half way through my degree. Aaaand... I grew tired. While I do find reading law enjoyable because it IS pretty interesting, for far too long, I've been going through the motions. I had forgotten how badly I wanted this. There was no passion, no love. It was as if I took it for granted. Oh wait. Maybe I have. I had forgotten how fortunate I am to be studying the course of my choice at the university of my choice. I had forgotten that my studies isn't just for my grades.
And that's just one of the things that I felt I had lost my passion for. There was hardly any heart or enthusiasm left.
Yesterday was the Orientation Party for the February 2011 Intake students organised by the Student Council, our last event before we step down. Almost throughout the event, I was at the side of the stage watching the performances. I have worked with most of the performers before and every time I see them at their respective crafts, I salute them in my heart.
Whenever I talk to them, I will find out a little about how much effort they put into the things that they do, whether it is beatboxing, putting on a magic show or playing the harmonica. And boy, these guys have passion. Even though they are good, they always saw the need to keep improving themselves. They work hard to get to where they are. They seize opportunities that come their way to do what they love. They make do with their situation and never made difficult circumstances excuses for not doing their best. They are very humble people. They had a purpose. They had passion. They know where they're going. On stage, you only see what they do for several minutes, but we will have no idea the kind of time, effort, commitment and sacrifice these people must have put in to get to where they are.
And as I was leaning against the wall watching them give their best on stage, I thought, "What am I passionate about?" And it was followed by an eerie, disappointing silence. I guess the reason for the silence was not that I had nothing to be passionate about, I do. But for so many things that I love to do, I grew discouraged as months/years went on and I just...gave up. And whatever passion I had grew dim. Flames had been put out. Ambitions shrunk. Hope to reach somewhere with those things shriveled. I refused opportunities.
But did I have passion before? Oh you bet.
When I woke up this morning, my question changed to why am I not passionate about the things I AM doing now as I should? Had I forgotten my purpose? I had to nod silently. When I think of certain hopes or certain things that I once loved so much and would find so much joy in doing them before I grew 'tired', I feel a sense of fondness. Like...it's an old friend. I miss having that kind of passion.
When I think of the things that I am doing, everything does seem fine and well and as if I'm involved with all these things with so much enthusiasm. I guess I'm doing the 'right' things but as time went on, I unknowingly lost the purpose of doing them and the passion along the way.
And when I think back of all that lost time and opportunities, I can only now ask in horror and guilt:
What have I done?
The theme of the CF this year is 'Get Real'. Well, I guess it's time that I got real with this. There must be more to life than this.
I don't want to be on my deathbed and only to realise that I had wasted my life doing things for the sake of it, without any heart, enthusiasm or passion.
Time to change that. I want to live a purpose driven life. Like I said, there has GOT to be more to life than this.
And I know the perfect place to start: On my knees.
8:30AM
25/2/11
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